there's a lot riding on the next 12 months. i have a career to establish, good grades to earn, a job to get... oh yeah, and a personal life to rebuild. i'm strangely sanguine about the professional/academic stuff; i love my field, and even though this is a ton of work, i relish every second of it. it was the personal life stuff that scared me and caused me angst.
note the past tense. i swear, i don't understand how these things keep happening, but the devil's dance between agony and ecstasy in my personal life seems to be ebbing. i find myself with, on the one hand, a fantastic possibility awaiting me once the nasty business is over. but then, just when the business gets seriously ugly, i manage to get a wedge in sideways and crack open a renewed possibility of cordiality.
i don't hate him. that's not the point. i'm just ready to move on. and i'd like to do that as a) quickly and b) kindly as humanly possible. as of last night, i was damn sure that i'd wrecked any chance of the second part of the equation coming true. but then, i got some kind of crazy inspiration to reframe the questions i'd been trying to ask, and i re-pitched my idea.
lo and behold, i think i've found a new strategy. so we'll see how the emotional negotiation that will be september's hallmark goes. here's hoping that everything i hope has happened actually did, and that things are at long, long last going to wind up the way i wanted. i know the career stuff is in the bag. i have so much waiting for me at the end of the month. if i play my cards right, as someone very close to me said, "you are so close to having everything you ever wanted."
and not a moment too soon.
Letter 70: Be Louder
5 weeks ago