blow up the outside world

slash and fucking burn. knock the bastard down. raze it, destroy it, get it out of my sight. i want to kill everything in my past, throw it all away, as far away as i can, and rise like a phoenix out of those ashes into the life i always imagined for myself.

it's not even collateral damage anymore; that's a nice image i came up with to delude myself that what i want is something nicer than complete destruction. i want the nuclear option. i want everything thrown into chaos and decimated. this will be a slaughter, wholesale, bloody, merciless. and the sooner i admit that it's exactly what i want, the sooner i can move forward with what i want.

the path i've taken to this moment was cruel, savage and thoughtless. i have made decisions that served only my selfish nature, and it'll take a lot to undo the mode of thinking that got me here. it's been petulant, bratty even. i'm entitled, i thought. i've earned this. well, maybe i did, but the choice isn't made in a vacuum. there are side effects to everyone involved.

the end result of all of this explosive pain will be a rebirth, to be sure. i will have my new future, and it will be wonderful. but i'd better learn to live with the reality that i'm not quite as nice, as pure, as innocent as i like to think i am. i'm not blameless. i'm shiva the destroyer, at least as far as all this is concerned. i wield the sword that hacks my old life to pieces. i will emerge covered in the blood and gore of the death of that existence. the cleansing will come. but the scars will never, ever fade. the sooner i understand that, the better.