for the first time ever, and i say this without exaggeration, i am 100% on my own. no parental supervision, no main boy, not even a casual screw in my life. it is me and me alone. i can't believe that it's taken me this long to test myself as a grown, independent woman. i always prided myself on being headstrong and independent, and i think i've done a pretty good job of projecting that image into the world. but it was a false kind of strength; i knew it was pretty low-risk to take all these stands, because there was always that emotional safety net to catch me.
so here i go again on my own, as the song says. for real. i don't have that comfort to fall back on. i have got to learn how to soothe myself, how to cope, how to be whole as just myself. hell, this is an opportunity that's been a long time coming. for so long, i was part of an other. jesus, my nickname in college was the first letter of my first name. not even the letter itself; just the hard consonant sound. see, if you stuck that letter on the end of my man's name, it formed a word. so that was my identity: the letter at the end of the word. suited those people and their antediluvian, hyper-traditional worldview just fine. it didn't feel right then, but what did i know? i was so happy to be part of something that i never once stopped to think what i was giving up to be part of it.
but alas, as most houses of cards do, that illusion fell apart. here i sit, alternately so excited and so scared. the fears are real, and they feel so freaking huge that, when they hit, it's almost like i'm being consumed whole by doubts. but then there are nights like this, when the possibility of all this freedom shines through the trepidation. this is the time to seize the day. and it's weird to do this without a net. i always thought i'd have someone with me at all times. i don't know what it's like to approach things from this viewpoint. but you know something? i'm ready to learn. it's going to suck sometimes. but it's also going to be a real, true accomplishment. and the accomplishment will be all mine.
time for me to set sail.
Letter 70: Be Louder
5 days ago