Sunday, June 13, 2010


sometimes, in the cold light of morning, you wake up and realize that you've lost. the troops are scattered, the fort is burning, and the cause is gone forever. this is one of those days. i got out of bed with a dull, thudding headache and the weight of the world on my chest. the headache made sense; that's what happens when you drink too much. but the weight? that eluded me for a minute... until i turned around and saw him lying there asleep.

and just like that, there it was. it hit me like a ten-ton truck that there was something so fake about this that it hurt to even see him there. it's not even his fault. he never lied to me, not once. he told me a long time ago what we were doing, and moreover what we weren't doing. i asked him once, "why am i not dateable?" i couldn't stand the ambiguity anymore; i needed him to tell me what was happening. there are obvious logistical reasons, but he's decided that it's just not worth the "risk" to take a chance on me as more than... i don't even know anymore.

and i still spent the entire weekend wanting his company, just to be near him, to the point where i invited him in last night just to sleep next to me. i just wanted him there. then i woke up and saw what i had done. no. unacceptable. i felt so freaking DESPERATE. it's not that he doesn't like me. it's not that we aren't good friends. it's that i keep trying to make something when there's clearly never going to be anything. and the simple reality of that finally sunk in, after all this time. i need to put some space between us for awhile, i think, to make the lesson sink in, but the fact remains that it's finally dawned on me that this is one more thing that i've lost lately. i don't know how much more i can take of this, but if i want to keep someone important to me around, this is a necessary loss.

i get it. finally. i surrender.


  1. You know what Bobby Lee said at Appomattox, right? "Well, you win some, you lose some."

    We've all done this darlin' so don't be too, too down on yourself. Just take your advice and gain a little distance.

  2. I love your writing style! I swear you make the reader feel what you're describing. The good and the bad...

  3. thanks to both of y'all for the kind words! one day at a time, one foot in front of the other...

  4. There was once this guy who I couldn't stand the ambiguity with anymore, and I also wound up asking him why I was undateable (or some such equivalent) and I remember the uniquely painful experience of knowing he was rejecting me but not really getting why, because he didn't seem to know either. It took me FOREVER to get to a point where I was strong enough to put any space between us. So I could relate to all of this, and the way you described it all was lovely.


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