sometimes i swear the universe is speaking to me through my ipod. today has been a bizarre head-state day, and the music i listened to accidentally fed right into all of that. earlier today, i was out running errands and stewing about the other boy. i get like that with him sometimes; it really gets to me that things are so... unsettled, i guess, between us. anyway, as i'm grumbling over the weirdness, these lyrics come through my speakers:
baby, i compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
ooh, the more i get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah...
there is so much a man could tell you
so much he could say
you remain my power, my pleasure, my pain
baby, to me you're like a growing addiction that i can't deny
won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?
gaah. there's nothing like a middle-of-the-road pop song from the second-worst batman movie to reinforce everything you're feeling. it's painful because it's spot-on and doubly painful because it's so freaking cliche. but that cut me straight to the bone. after a fashion, the other boy is my power, my pleasure and my pain. he validates me in ways i can't describe. he does things to me that i can't replace. and he hurts me more than anyone else on this earth. i am addicted to this, too; i can't fathom letting this go, no matter how destructive it feels.
but the moment, as these things do, passed. the day went on, and i went to spend some face time with friends. we had a real purpose for being there, but no small part of the reason i'm involved with this crew is that it gives me an excuse to hang out with my newest infatuation, contestant #3. oh, my lord, this boy is BEAUTIFUL. there's no other way to describe him. he's brilliant, shrewd and just magnetically attractive. some guys just have this... pull. i am powerless to resist lusting after him. we've been locked in what seems like a mutual flirtation for weeks now, and he's got me feeling like a freaking twelve-year-old girl all over again. after two and a half hours of trying to play it cool (and hoping to all things holy that i got my message across without being obvious), i got in the car to drive home. the ol' ipod was at it again:
you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won't wash away...
you're so beautiful with an edge and charm
and you're so careful when i'm in your arms
'cause you're working
building a mystery...
(it helps to know that contestant #3 wears flip-flops everywhere he goes. it's another thing i adore about him.) this boy is always smiling, but it seems like there's so much more to him. he almost feels dangerous, in a way; it's the kind of thing where i sense trouble, but i almost don't care. i mean, hell; i'm only going to be in this state for another two months, tops. why not have some fun? damn the consequences, full speed ahead.
these narrative threads are about to get seriously tangled, too; both the other boy and contestant #3 factor prominently into my weekend plans. a bunch of us are traveling to the homestead this friday for a school function. the other boy will be my friday night entertainment, then i will wake up saturday morning to spend the day with contestant #3 and our mutual friends. the day with the school crew will culminate with a bar run, and frankly, i have evil, evil plans, if the heavens align properly. then sunday, i have a brunch date with my other big brother, who is as tight with the other boy as he is with me.
oh yes - my life is drama. there will be a LOT to think about come sunday afternoon.
being a heathen, i don't do the whole "signs from above" thing. but on days like today, it's really hard to keep it rational when there are omens all around me. coincidence? i wish so...
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago