Sunday, March 7, 2010


there's always an element of danger when involved with multiple people at the same time. some of that came to a head last night when i went to a movie with the other boy and some of his friends. the movie in question was "up in the air," which will be up for best picture in mere hours from the publishing of this blog post. at any rate, i saw it a few months ago with the ball and chain and one of his townie friends. i really dug the basic point/thesis of the film, which was essentially that (in my mind anyway) the only certainty in this world is the certainty that you provide yourself. my personal theory of life validated in a major motion picture? who can argue with that?

yeah, so yesterday i saw "up in the air" with the other boy, and gaah, can i tell you how distressing that was? seriously. i never thought of the ramifications of this, but it dawned on me that i am essentially alex in that movie. i mean, i am the one seeking escape from the ball and chain with the other boy, who's the self-possessed man on the move. i sat between him and one of his friends watching that movie last night, and seriously, it was all i could do to keep from hyper-freaking-ventilating during those scenes.

a lot has dawned on me in the last 48 hours. i am a power-mad, selfish person who seeks nothing but comfort and escape from the ball and chain with the other boy. friday night, i laid in his bed, went down on him, and all i could think while i did it was, "yeah, that's right; i want you to get everything possible out of this, and i want you to know who did this for you." it was all about power over him. it occurred to me in flagrante delicto that the whole thing had ceased to be about him enjoying himself and ALL about me being the one who could bring him to his knees with sexual desire. i found myself thinking, "yeah. you know who's doing this for you. i own you right now."

does that make him a parenthesis? am i seriously that callous? do i use this boy, someone i've loved for so long as a good friend, as nothing more than a diversion? god, i don't know. all i know is the following: a) he's someone i care very deeply for; b) this is such a good diversion from my regular, torturous life; and c) there are few things in this life that bring me more simple happiness than his arms around me as the sun comes up and we both doze after a night together.

how evil does that make me? i don't know. i don't think i care. i just know one thing: i had better just be careful with the one who helps me get a break from my torturous life. he's way more than a parenthesis, an escape; this is someone who loves me in his way as much as i love him in my way. i just hope to god i can keep his feelings in mind as this evolves.


  1. At some point you are going to have to make a very simple choice. Torturous life, or diversion boy (and I am just calling him that, it's not meant to be demeaning). It really is a simple choice to make, but the ramifications of said choice are anything but simple.

    But, that being said, I know exactly what you mean about the power and control thing. However, when you realize that it is about power, you think to yourself that it is ok, right in that moment.

    But, power is addicting, and at some point, it will cease being about his feelings ever. It will only be about yours.

    What will you do when you hit that point? Or will you stop yourself from hitting that point?

    I think the fact that you came to this realization is healthy. However, dangerous paths have ways of taking unexpected turns. Just be sure you do not drive off of a cliff on accident.

  2. Not for nothing, but among the women I know who enjoy giving oral to a man, most (I suspect all, but I let them lie to themselves and me) enjoy the power of it more than anything else.

    Women who don't enjoy oral are profoundly bad (almost wrote suck, ha!) at it as an aggregate and their opinions don't count.

  3. TDG - yeah, i know. in my heart, the choice is made; it's more about logistics at this point. and oh, is it going to be awful when the hammer comes down...

    RR - i'd say that's fair. the few women i've talked about this with tend to agree as well. and hell, i wouldn't think that a man would care one way or the other if he's getting what he needs. i hope, anyway...

  4. Magnolia - I would bet money that the following doesn't apply to you, but the notion that men don't care "one way or the other" is why most women are lousy at it. There exists a too widespread presumption that women are doing us a favor and that we're so easy to get off that it doesn't matter how well its done, with how much enthusiasm, or for what motivations.

  5. oops - i didn't clarify that last statement...

    what i meant was that i don't think a man would care that the only reason his woman is so into giving is because of the power trip. i totally agree with you about the "doing us a favor" thing and how lame it is. there's no excuse for a lack of enthusiasm in bed. if you're not into it, you shouldn't be there. it's insulting to your partner and a waste of your time.

  6. By the by, I wanted to send this as an email rather than leave it as a comment (I think it is a violation of blog etiquette to use a comment to pimp your own blog.) However, since you don't list an email, I'm leaving you this link:

    It is a brief piece of fiction that is a bit on topic in light of our last exchange.

  7. An award has been bestowed upon you. Hop on over to check it out and remember to pass it on!!


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