there's always an element of danger when involved with multiple people at the same time. some of that came to a head last night when i went to a movie with the other boy and some of his friends. the movie in question was "up in the air," which will be up for best picture in mere hours from the publishing of this blog post. at any rate, i saw it a few months ago with the ball and chain and one of his townie friends. i really dug the basic point/thesis of the film, which was essentially that (in my mind anyway) the only certainty in this world is the certainty that you provide yourself. my personal theory of life validated in a major motion picture? who can argue with that?
yeah, so yesterday i saw "up in the air" with the other boy, and gaah, can i tell you how distressing that was? seriously. i never thought of the ramifications of this, but it dawned on me that i am essentially alex in that movie. i mean, i am the one seeking escape from the ball and chain with the other boy, who's the self-possessed man on the move. i sat between him and one of his friends watching that movie last night, and seriously, it was all i could do to keep from hyper-freaking-ventilating during those scenes.
a lot has dawned on me in the last 48 hours. i am a power-mad, selfish person who seeks nothing but comfort and escape from the ball and chain with the other boy. friday night, i laid in his bed, went down on him, and all i could think while i did it was, "yeah, that's right; i want you to get everything possible out of this, and i want you to know who did this for you." it was all about power over him. it occurred to me in flagrante delicto that the whole thing had ceased to be about him enjoying himself and ALL about me being the one who could bring him to his knees with sexual desire. i found myself thinking, "yeah. you know who's doing this for you. i own you right now."
does that make him a parenthesis? am i seriously that callous? do i use this boy, someone i've loved for so long as a good friend, as nothing more than a diversion? god, i don't know. all i know is the following: a) he's someone i care very deeply for; b) this is such a good diversion from my regular, torturous life; and c) there are few things in this life that bring me more simple happiness than his arms around me as the sun comes up and we both doze after a night together.
how evil does that make me? i don't know. i don't think i care. i just know one thing: i had better just be careful with the one who helps me get a break from my torturous life. he's way more than a parenthesis, an escape; this is someone who loves me in his way as much as i love him in my way. i just hope to god i can keep his feelings in mind as this evolves.
Letter 70: Be Louder
5 days ago