Tuesday, August 10, 2010

what have i become?

sometimes i take a look at my life and think, holy hell. how in the name of god did all of this happen? often, this is because of good things. i had one of those thoughts right before the vice chancellor read my name and i walked across the stage at my law-school commencement. rarely, this is because of bad things. but most often, it's a cocktail of amazing and heartbreaking that brings me to this state of mind. that's where i sit today.

there are so many fun, exciting and interesting parts of my life these days. i'm coming into my own as a professional, as a city dweller, and as a person in general. there are flirtations new and ongoing, twists and turns that surprise me as much as they take my breath away. the future holds nothing but new possibilities. and yet, there are portions of this existence that just break me into pieces. my heart just bleeds when i think about the final shattering of my old life. there is still so much hurt, so much disappointment there. being confronted with this and unable to do anything about it... it hurts me more than i can bear.

i'm starting to wonder, really wonder, what it is that i'm made of. i'm starting to think it may not be as good as i originally thought. maybe the carefully constructed layers of maturity, reason, kindness are nowhere near as deep as i intend them to be. it's possible that i am really just as bankrupt as every other sociopath out there. that this whole self-determination kick is a hollow charade designed to give myself psychological permission to just behave in a thoroughly ruthless manner without having to feel the repercussions of that ruthlessness. the deftness with which i spin this image scares me.

maybe this happens because i lack something other people have. and if that's the case, what becomes of me? who wins, the better angels or the lesser demons? and if the demons win sometimes, does it even matter if the angels ever win?

does the darkness in my dreams control me?


  1. You ask an age old set of questions here, Ms Magnolia. It sounds as if you have reached a 'transition' point in your Life. The way a counselor explained this to me, a 'transition' is an event or series of events that reshape your Life... what has happened before is gone, and that aspect of your Life will never return.

    You have to honor what has passed before you... the years that are under the belt, so to speak... look at them and see what of those experiences are worth carrying forward with you into the next phase of your Life...

    You should decide what it is you need to stand for... what makes you feel 'alive'... what gives you Hope... even when we think there is nothing... there really is something...

    Maybe you feel that Life is moving too fast for you... you can slow things down. There aren't many decisions that REALLY have to be made today... regardless of what we've been told.

    It sounds as if you are about to step out on the next great part of the adventure that is your Life... and sweetie, I think you are going to be just fine...

    I do...




  2. I don't think you lack anything. I think you shortchange yourself.

  3. I think you ARE figuring out what you are made of and that's a great thing...I don't think its bad or reckless at all, from what I gather. It feels empowering to have control and strength and that feeling of life within you, doesn't it? I need to recapture that fire. I have it, I know it, but it's waning lately.

  4. "does the darkness in my dreams control me?"

    oh course not. but then again it doesnt seem like your darkness is in your dreams, but rather your reality. there is nothing wrong with that. everyone has some in them, but to ignore it and not face it will only make it grow. because you wont be being honest with yourself.

    and with honesty, you turn the darkness into light

  5. I'm with Kim. You lack nothing, and part of embracing the future is letting go of the past and its demons. xoxo


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