suffer the children

over the last two years in particular, i've noticed a certain feeling that comes over me when i'm being tested. the physical sensation that comes over me is much like a wall going up around my heart. the thought that crosses my mind is, "why the hell should i be put through such agony?" i have never understood why people take all the lumps of life without pushing against them. do people expect misery as a part of life?

and lo, here came this blog post. the myth of redemptive suffering. i've beaten this horse a time or two already on this blog. i have always chalked a lot of our society's problems in general to this idea that misery is necessary to reach some kind of higher achievement in this life (and the next). for so many reasons, i don't go for that idea.

one of the quotes that hit me where i live is, "atheists have only their own, ongoing concept of decent behavior to get them through the hard times: suffering need have no cosmic meaning for a decent person to know that the only proper moral response is to try to ease the pain. ... our only ethical injunction is to cause as little suffering as possible and to try to alleviate it when and where we find it." so true, and i'm so good at that... except when it comes to my personal life.

suffering. yeah, that's pretty much where i am all the time. i work hard to keep the facade up, but it hurts. it hurts to be stuck. it hurts to hurt him. it hurts to not be able to do what i want. i don't understand this, and i know there's nothing i can do. but it's not noble, it's not good, and "my reward is not in the next world." the hurt i'm going through, temporary though (i hope to all things on this earth) it is, will not gain me anything. and yet here it is. suffering makes NO SENSE. but it's part of life. all i can do is persevere.